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American Standard News

The American Condition Remains Unstable.

The First Amendment’s Last Chance

John Herring

I became a journalist late in my life, finding the path only after over 25 years of woodworking. I was an apprentice at 16, started boatbuilding at 18, and from there my career that became increasingly distant from the wood itself as I rose to management and later ownership of a custom furniture shop. After a decade of the shop moving toward factory production to compete with furniture conglomerates I became burned out. I got to the point where every day at 6 PM my hand would curl into a sort of alcoholic claw that fit perfectly around a rocks glass.

Then I did two hard things: I got sober and started a career in journalism. I attended Pepperdine University in my late 40s followed by training with the National Journalism Center, which boasts alumni such as Cliff Kincaid, Rachel Marsden, and Malcom Gladwell. I was drawn to the center because I believed in their values: responsible, accurate and balanced reporting.

My upcoming book, “Going Rogue, Slipping Under The Digital Curtains” (to be published by Harper Collins) is a deep dive, gonzo-style investigation and implementation of my journey to remove myself from the internet. As someone who is untethered to social media you can rely on my independent, thorough reporting.

Filed by John Herring

A grand old ballroom with gold chandeliers, white columns, and round reception tables under a coffered ceiling.

DepartmentPolitics

A New Cold War, But With Chandeliers

FiledJohn Herring

The United States government concluded that the central purpose of the modern state is not infrastructure, defense, housing, education, disaster relief, affordable fuel, healthcare or the job market. It is ballrooms. …

A computer calendar crowded with overlapping meeting invites.

DepartmentAI

Quick Sync Meeting Expands Into Otherworldly Office Menace

FiledJohn Herring

Staff at national valuation firm Wayland & Whateley reported Monday that a calendar invite labeled “Quick Sync” was multiplying out of control inside the company’s scheduling system, forming what one senior appraiser described as “a widening administrative zone.” The original invite was a 15 minute meeting with no agenda and no owner which first duplicated …

Meme still: a man loaded with cameras in a daycare doorway under a speech bubble reading Hey, can I see your kids?

DepartmentPolitics

Real "Stop Nick Shirly Act" Up for Vote This Month

FiledJohn Herring

California lawmakers will vote this month on a new bill introduced in response to criticism surrounding AB 2624, after legislators concluded the existing privacy law did not adequately address the state’s most persistent remaining vulnerability: Nick Shirley existing and having a valid license. …

Five people in Union Civil War uniforms on a sidewalk; four lean forward on upright rifles with heads bowed, one bends at the waist with a rifle on the ground; brick wall and street behind them.

DepartmentBreaking News

Fentanyl Players Stage Historical Tableaux Across San Francisco

FiledJohn Herring

A small art collective calling itself the Fentanyl Players is staging still-life photography across sidewalks and parks by costuming people locked in the city’s familiar standing fentanyl stupor. Members of the troupe drape period clothing, adjust props, and tuck symbolic objects into subjects’ arms and waistlines while they remain upright, motionless, and unaware.

A bear walking an aisle inside a discount retailer.

DepartmentCrime

Bear Enters Discount Retailer After Being Priced Out of Regional Grocery Chains

FiledJohn Herring

An 11-year-old boy was briefly pursued through a Pennsylvania Family Dollar this week by a black bear that wildlife officials now believe may have been responding to prolonged economic displacement. Initial reports described the bear as “agitated but focused,” moving quickly through the seasonal aisle before pausing near a display of heavily discounted snack foods. …

A ring light and smartphone on a stand in a small recording space.

DepartmentBreaking News

TikTok Emerges as Nation’s Primary News Source, Replaces Anchors With Ring Lights and Ominous Pointing

FiledJohn Herring

Media analysts confirmed Tuesday that TikTok now functions as the primary news delivery platform for millions of Americans, surpassing traditional outlets by compressing global events into 27-second videos filmed from front-facing cameras. According to the Digital Literacy Forum, users now receive updates on war, inflation, climate events, and nuclear tensions from individuals standing in parked …

Black-and-white night photograph of a noose hanging over a crumpled American flag on a wooden platform.

DepartmentEnd Of The American Experiment

Trump Casually Mentions Hanging People but Experts Assure Nation It’s “Just Locker Room Talk”

FiledJohn Herring

President Trump referenced the idea of people being “hung” today, prompting an immediate nationwide administrative ceremony in which the phrase was folded, labeled, laminated, and placed gently into the government’s “Locker Room Talk” drawer. The process, practiced and efficient, begins when a politically alarming phrase enters public space and is immediately softened by analysts using specialized …

Printed religious guidance materials on a desk near a window.

DepartmentCOVID-19

Suffering From Covid, Wildfires, or Anxiety? Here’s How Faith Can Help

FiledJohn Herring

This Silicon Valley start-up claims that their app helps people get through illness, natural disasters, and stress, while creating sustainable jobs for families in low-income countries. At American Standard news, extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, so we asked Chad Bradenson, the product director for Ryte, for a private demonstration. Bradenson explained that he and his …

Government budget documents stacked on a table.

DepartmentLifestyle

DOGE Finds $14.2 Million Spent to Preserve Pubic Lice

FiledJohn Herring

Elon Musk's Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has found over $14 million in spending to preserve pubic lice. Former President Joe Biden’s claimed that his administration's infrastructure bill would “set the United States on course to meet its climate goals, create millions of good-paying jobs, enable more Americans to join and remain in the labor …

Two drinking fountains in a school hallway with institutional signage above them.

DepartmentCOVID-19

Holds Water: Segregated Fountains Reduce COVID Spread In School

FiledJohn Herring

A newly released quarterly report indicates that Piscataway, New Jersey based plumbing fixtures manufacturer American Standard (no relation) saw unprecedented profits in the summer of 2021. The reports provided to investors this Thursday reveal the company’s roaring success: gross revenue is up 54% compared to the second quarter of year largely due to nearly doubling …

Laboratory equipment and genetic sample materials on a bench.

DepartmentScience

Confirmed: Ancient DNA Reveals Neanderthals Invented Sarcasm

FiledJohn Herring

Scientists at the University of Auckland in New Zealand have discovered fundamental genetic markers of scathing wit in the ancient DNA of Neanderthals (Homo sapiens neanderthalensis), the subspecies of archaic humans who lived about 40,000 years ago. These markers predate the equivalent in samples from ancient humans (Homo sapim sapim), leading the researchers to hypothesize …