Scientists at the University of Auckland in New Zealand have discovered fundamental genetic markers of scathing wit in the ancient DNA of Neanderthals (Homo sapiens neanderthalensis), the subspecies of archaic humans who lived about 40,000 years ago. These markers predate the equivalent in samples from ancient humans (Homo sapim sapim), leading the researchers to hypothesize that prior to crossbreeding with Neanderthals, humans may have had a limited grasp of mockery and disdain.

Discoveries in human evolution have all but confirmed that Neanderthals (Homo sapiens neanderthalensis) and the ancestors of modern man (Homo sapim sapim) lived in close proximity for extended periods of history. The fossil and archaeological records show that mixed species communities shared food, mated, and even matched wits via primitive language. Modern research into Neanderthals has been steadily eliminating the old stereotype of the “primitive dimwits they are commonly portrayed as.” Dr. Paola Vista, an archaeologist at the University of Colorado Museum in Boulder, said “The evidence for cognitive inferiority is simply not there,” said Vista. “What we are saying is that the conventional view of Neanderthals is not true. We have solid archaeological evidence that Neandertals were the first to use phrases equivalent to ‘That’s just what I needed today!’ and ‘Great! I hope I work at the Cheesecake Factory my whole life!’”

While the archaeological evidence is clear that Neanderthals were the first wielders of self-deprecating and deadpan humor, the DNA evidence paints a picture that early humans were slow to pick up on the fact that they were being messed with. Dr. Jerod Middle at the University of Auckland explained that ancient humans’ lacked the cognitive functions to understand sarcasm and is confident that this led to serious misunderstandings between the early species’. “My research indicates that outcomes were polar opposites depending on if the human’s D17 gene was present or not.”

The researcher explained that the presence of D17 meant sarcasm was more likely to lead to physical attraction while those without it would likely be irritated or angry. It appears that some early humans were aroused by the perpetual emotional abuse of being told ‘tell it to someone who cares,’ and “at least your mom thinks you’re pretty,” which is supported by the presence of Neanderthal DNA in humans today. On the other hand, the lack of any Neanderthals to interview for this piece also exposes the results of repeatedly telling someone “You’ve got a little spear, aren’t you special” and “Oh, you’re going to stab me? Good luck with that.”